


I’m Nothing Without You / I Worry For You Without Me

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Alexander (2004)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Fluff, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-04
Updated: 2006-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:46:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23017225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: I'm Nothing Without You: Alexander's POV on his love as he lies dyingI Worry For You Without Me: Hephaistion's POV on his love as he lies dying[Printed in the 2006 Alexander zine "You Strike Me Still"]
Relationships: Alexandros III of Macedon | Alexander the Great/Hephaistion of Macedon
Kudos: 40





	1. I’m Nothing Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander's POV on his love as he lies dying

I see them all, the fools. Fighting over what was always yours and mine and never theirs. Do they want my empire? They can have it. See if they can keep it.

Nothing has brought me joy since losing you. My Patroclus, did you not know that you were the fire that kept me going? That without you life holds no pleasure to me?

You were always different. Always special. Strong, silent, gentle, proud and kind. You always stood your ground, also before a boy who would be king. You never spoke falsely to me, you never demanded anything from me.

I was like a thirsting man in the desert, you were my water, my life. As people so often do I began to take my salvation for granted; take you for granted. Silent in your love you melted into the shadows. A warm presence, a safe presence. Always there. Always vigil. Always ready to help, to comfort, to defend me.

In my passions I never looked back to see which bridges I burned. I never looked back to see who might come with a knife at my back. I never needed to. You would be there. Like an avenging God you would strike down anyone who even dared to think to harm me.

I remember in India before that fateful battle. How I tried to get the army motivated. Without thinking, like always fueled on my dreams and desires, I ran into the middle of the army, pushing past the men, challenging, uncaring in my grief and disbelief that they should turn on me. And you, my Hephaistion, you were right there beside me. Guarding my back I recall now. You prevented anyone from touching me, from reaching me. You kept me safe. You always kept me safe.

My love for you through the years never faded, never disappeared. You were always my first and truest love. You were first in my heart and first in my mind. Yet I do not think I ever realized how much of me were in you. How much I truly needed you. Not until the day I lost you. You gave me the reason to go on. You gave me the possibility to chase my dreams.

Practical, calm and logical you enabled me to fly, to let my passions consume me. My happiness always came first for you. I pray you knew I loved you the best of all. You did know this, did you not? Please say you did. If you had requested I killed any of my other lovers or my wives I would have done so. Anything for you. Yet you never asked such a thing of me and I know you never would. That was not your way. You would smile even through your pain. You would understand. Had I said I would ask Zeus, my father or so my mother always claimed, to destroy the Earth, leaving only you and me to be taken to Mt. Olympus…I know you would have understood, you would have supported me. No matter what I might do or order or say you always supported me, you always found some way to justify and understand even the most irrational of my orders.

_I worry for you without me_

Even as you died you were mine. Your last words for me; always for me. My grief knew no bounds as I spoke of my dreams for the future…how much I needed you. And you fought to smile and let me know you would always be with me. My love…you always were.

_I am nothing without you_

I said those words the day I lost you and I have never said truer words. You too are Alexander. We are one. Without you I have lost my heart; my very soul. You were easily the best part of me. Calm, loyal, rational, gallant…you impersonated Grecian virtues of logic over passion. You were all that truly mattered to me. Why did I see this so late? So much time wasted chasing dreams and lovers which weren’t you.

Did you ever freeze? I wonder about that now. Was it never cold in my shadow? I know it was harder on you to remain mine as the years passed. I know there must have been pain. I know you must have been so alone at times. Yet you never told me. That wasn’t your way.

I would have held you. I would have warmed you had you but asked. My mind and heart sometimes forget themselves and I forgot the most important part of me. The one thing that made everything possible. That made my life worthwhile; you.

I lost everything the day I lost you. I had no focus; no strength. All my plans for my empire crumbled and died with you. There was no flame left in me…nothing was left but an empty and hollow shell.

I longed to join you in death and tonight as I drank my wine I knew I was drinking poison and I smiled for I knew I would be joining you. Soon I would be resting in your embrace.

I see you now, beloved. My father’s eagle has come down from Mt. Olympus to carry my soul to you. I see it now. Ferryman, take this ring my love gave me and bring me to him. Take this ring and bring me to him.

My Phaistion, I am coming back to you.

I am coming back to you.


	2. I Worry For You Without Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hephaistion's POV on his love as he lies dying

My Alexander. My brave Achilles. This was not how I envisioned my days would end. Not how our days should end. You were always the one with all the dreams and all the visions. Talk to me now, beloved. Tell me…how should we have lived? How should our tale have ended?

I must look terrible. I am sorry but I am just so weak. Let me rest for a little while and I shall be by your side as I always have been. Just a little time. Talk to me, love. Tell me how our tale will end.

I remember everything, you know. All my moments of you and me. I have them saved here inside my heart, safe forever. I remember first meeting you. Born to be king I saw your isolation and I saw how people would tell you and do to you what they thought you wanted. In your eyes I saw my life and I never gave you anything but the truth and my love.

It seems strange now, looking back, that you once called me your savour. The boy you befriended…the only one you ever truly trusted. Someone with whom you needn’t guide your words or your actions since I would never abandon you or betray you.

I am trying not to leave you alone now, my Alexander. I am not sure if you truly understand the danger you are in. Your dreams are so beautiful. Your goals so high. For a man caught up in your passion your fire is all consuming yet it can also scare some men. You never saw this; you never needed to. I was always there by your side, guarding your every step, lifting whatever obstacle from your way as best as I could. 

I worry for you now, beloved. Sometimes I do believe your mother; you must be a God to manage to turn such a cold and ugly world as this can be into such warmth and ambition with your restless passion. Still, I have seen how very human you can be. I have seen your darkness because any pain you have suffered or wrongdoing you have done I have suffered them with you.

When you killed Cleitus in India your soul suffered terribly for your deed yet I fought to bring you back. You found your strength again and I smiled. I made sure you never knew of the rumours of hate that this deed spread through the ranks; I made sure you never knew how much more difficult your deed made my life. You had killed their friend but you were the High King; you were untouchable. I was not.

Looking back now I regret only not having spent more time with you. The very flame of life, which made you who you are, was also the very thing that kept us apart. Caught up in your crusades, wives and lovers…I remained forever standing in the shadows, forever silent….forever yours. I won’t deny watching you from afar hurt yet I also saw the joy these other people brought to your life and I have never been able to deny you anything.

The one who suffers in the mind suffers most of all. The saying is truer of you and me than any I can think of. You were born to rule; you had several lovers and wives. You conquered a world. One should think you would be the happiest man alive yet were you ever truly happy? I want to say you were…when with me. You always seemed relaxed and at ease in my embrace. Knowing only I could grant you this always filled me with pride and this enforced my love for you. Somehow you needed me. I never understood how or why yet somehow you seemed to need me.

When I am gone who shall be your safe haven now? Who shall forever stand by your side? Who will never betray you but always love you? I worry for you without me, my Alexander. Who shall care for you now? Who shall love you more than life itself?

Will you be alright without me? Since we were young boys of 8 you have never been without me. I am glad now that I need never try and live without you yet I pray to the Gods you will be able to go on. I hope our memories and the people in your life will be enough to fill my void. Will they, beloved?

We both fought battles; we both had our demons. Yours were yourself most of all. Your mind and heart could bring you such sadness. My demon in many ways was the world at large. Sometimes I wish I could hand you the world on a silver plate and ease all your restless nature and tormented searching away. Your dreams were so pure…sometimes I do not believe you, golden one, ever truly belonged here on Earth with us mere mortals. You did not see your own danger and through me you never had to. I fought the small battles; I defended you in council and everywhere else. I gave you my honour, my life and my love.

I am not blind or deaf; I never was. I know the things they said of me. I know the things they called me. Yet none of that mattered whenever you called me to you. Whenever I looked into your eyes. Those amazing eyes…they’ll soften when looking at me and fill with such love, such need…in that moment I would know it had all been worth it.

I worry for you without me. Who shall now love you? Protect you? Be your shield so you can reach for the skies? 

I cannot abandon you now. You have so many dreams still left to reach. So many goals and plans still left undone. You need me there. I have never denied you anything before and I won’t now.

Yet…I am so weak. I feel so tired. Let me rest for a little while as you tell me of our lives together. Let me smile listening to your voice. Oh, Alexander…how I love you so.

Forever.

Just let me rest for a little while, my love, just a little while…and then I shall be by your side as always.

I shall just doze for a few seconds….just a few seconds….


End file.
